Friday, June 29, 2012

Learn How to Cope With Placing Your Elderly Parent in a Nursing Home

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Taking care of your elderly parent can be hard work mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Many times roles are reversed and they come to be more childlike while you come to be more parent like. It's not an easy adjustment to make for your parent or yourself especially if he or she has been very independent all their life. Consequently, if you want to furnish loving care for your parent and still take care of yourself there are many things you need to know.

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How is Learn How to Cope With Placing Your Elderly Parent in a Nursing Home

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Transitions

Acknowledging that this is a time of transition and knowing that things will not be as they once were is a good first step in care-taking. Because difficult and unsettling emotions face keeping a journal to process them is helpful. Issues, disputes, and unsettled company can make for a heavy burden if you carry it alone. If you have a trusted friend, minister, rabbi or man you deeply respect colse to you to discuss your feelings or simply listen without judgment your burden will be lighter. Your parent may also need a consultant or man in which they can confide and share their feelings. Often the facility will make this service available.

In my own situation I needed to move my mom closer to my home to carry on her care in the assisted living facility. I could not give her the skilled care she needed. As I write this now it practically seems like provocative her happened overnight without much forethought or concern. As a matter of fact the opposite is true. I planned long and hard about it. Being the independent man she was, she resisted this move with all her might like your parent may do with you. She didn't want to go into a nursing home...period. Even though you may plan the move very determined and with as much love as you can, be ready for your parent to be angry, irritated, upset, resistant, and uncooperative. This was the case with my parent. Even though she traveled the 12-hour drive in a huge motor coach with 2 drivers she was very upset when she arrived. Be prepared. Even though you may put your heart and soul into production the transition as easy as inherent it may be hard for your independent parent and you.

The First Few Days And Afterward

The first few days can also be a trying time for both you and your parent. He or she is in a new place and has lost independence. They may lash out at you, the nurses, nurse aides, or other residents. For example, upon arriving in the nursing home my mom complained about all things including: her roommate's bathroom habits, the food, her inability to sleep on the bed, the aides checking her in "the middle of the night." But ultimately after some months she seemed like she had made the transition well. She and her roommate, "Ava", became great friends and she grew to like most of the staff. No matter how your situation unfolds this time may hold deeper meaning for you both. It can be looked at as an remarkable journey into facing aging and maybe the death of your parent. As a matter of fact it can be a time of facing your own fears about losing your parent and facing your own aging process.

Being Their Cheerleader

Making major decisions for your parent may put you in the position of curative or financial advocate.. If your parent has a living will, and has named their durable power of curative attorney and durable power of financial attorney divulge those documents. If this is not set up you may want to consult a lawyer if you haven't done so already. Talk to your parent about this. Sure, these are difficult subjects but must be done! Parents may not be able to deal with their own finances or curative treatments alone. You are there to aid and maybe take over when they need you to do so.

In my case, I drove my mom to many doctor's appointments, answered calls from the facility, and discussed her care with all of her doctors. I was her cheerleader too, encouraging her when she was down or depressed. This took stupendous strength on my part because even though I loved my mom very much she was not a cheerleader for me as I was growing up. When I was five she began full-time "shift work" in a factory. Although I had remarkable grandparents caring for me they couldn't fill the void that mom created when she was gone. I had questions, concerns and problems as any kid does and they only multiplied throughout my juvenile years. She wasn't a cheerleader for me when I needed her but now she needed me to act as hers.

Old wounds may open up. Processing them is needful to the care you can offer your parent and taking care of yourself. Strive to talk with your trusted friends, clergyman or rabbi. They are there for you. Encourage your parent to apply the counseling services at the facility.

Unusual Behaviors

Don't be surprised if your parent displays unusual behaviors. They may be forgetful, may display dementia and get upset. He or she may have curative problems that color their day. At times it may be all you can do to visit or advocate.

Sometimes advocating proved to be more than I could give. My mom resented me for provocative her and putting her in the "old age home." She had dementia and would say the most bizarre things. Once evening my mom called me a total of 15 times wanting me to help her find my brother. You see if she didn't talk to him everyday this unwarranted fear set in and she imagined that he was lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

This type of behavior began to happen daily until the public laborer of the facility called a "team meeting." My brother and I were gift along with the head nurse, the bodily therapist and public worker. They recommend that arranging a phone call between my brother and her at a specified time everyday might alleviate mom's anxiety. That time was 9:30 am. Then, she would call me colse to 5:00 Pm daily. Everyone on the floor knew of this arrangement and helped mom make the calls. It worked out very well.

Don't hesitate to seek the help of the professionals at the facility. They have lots of palpate and can often offer many suggestions that make life more pleasant for Everyone involved.

Difficult Times

There are going to be some difficult days. Your parent may not be feeling well, may be depressed or feel as it they have nothing to live for. You may have to dig deep inside yourself to find the compassion and strength to companion them.

In my own situation, there were days when I'd walk into my mother's room and she'd be lying on her bed with the shades drawn down. She had osteoarthritis in her left hip, which caused severe pain. On these days it was all I could do to ease her. Providing vigor therapy gave her some relief, which would enable her to get up off the bed, walk to supper and the library. The hip pain was like fighting an old but customary enemy because she was also fighting depression. She often spoke about how she wanted to die and go to her "permanent home." When I heard this repeatedly it began to work on me adversely. On one hand I listened with compassion for a time but I also had to separate lest I became depressed myself.

You will find that you can only do so much. You cannot stop the aging process but you can be there to listen, to advocate and to make like bearable for your aging parent.

Making Good Memories

You and your parent can make good memories while this stage of their life. If you share in the activities that the facility offers with your parent many times you will find that you As a matter of fact enjoy yourself. If they are able to leave for outings encourage them to do so. There's nothing good than a ride on a lovely summer day, visiting house in their homes or lunch out. Do it as often as they are willing and able. You won't regret it. In fact these memories will be some of the one you treasure the most.

In my case, sometimes when I came to visit my mom was fully engaged in circle ball and chair exercises or playing a game of bingo. These were fun times and I would often participate. It was fun encouraging all of the residents to do their best to hit the ball. They enjoyed it too and often there would be fullness of smiles. On some afternoons, we sat face on the benches under the awning of the building. These were among my beloved times as the trees and flowers were in full bloom. Other residents would come out too and we'd have provocative conversations albeit loud ones as most of them were hard of hearing. Sometimes it would just be mom and I talking about our happy memories or retracing our house tree.

Again, help them get out and enjoy life as often as possible. The nursing home may have a van that takes residents out for activities. Help your parent find the activities they like encourage them to join in.

Self Care

Self care is a must for anything that is a caretaker. Often care-takers don't want to take out time for themselves. This is not good thinking. In order to take care of others you must first custom self-care! What good can you maybe to your elderly parent or anything else if you are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually depleted? The riposte is: you cannot.

What brings you joy? What brings a smile to your lips? Is it a walk in nature? Time alone in meditation? Exercise? Reading a book quietly? Vacationing? Listening to good music? Gardening? Baking? Meeting up with friends? Playing with your pet? Enjoying time with children? anything fills you up do it! I created a comfortable chair in my home where I would meditate. I had a candle, prayer beads, scripture and other inspirational books on the side table. An iPod with meditation music and headphones were there too. Feeling God's presence with me on this journey sustained me straight through it all.

Those times when I visited my children and granddaughter were happy times that lifted me out of the caretaker-problem solver role. To see new life and the excitement it brings warmed my heart like nothing else.

I exercised by riding my motorcycle when the weather was good. I promised myself that I would not take my cell phone on the ride and for that hour no one could palpate me. It was I riding in nature. I'd ride out to my beloved spot on the trail and feel re-energized by the beauty surrounding me. Most of the time I felt as if I could face anything when I returned. I knew I had to do what was life-giving for me so I could be there for her. This and the reserve of friends, my spiritual director, good books and faith was what helped me straight through this time of my life.

Final Passage

It is very hard to scrutinize your parent weakening and becoming frail. Not many of us want to face losing a parent no matter how ill they are. You may bargain with God, deny the situation, come to be angry or very sad. This is a time of life that all of us face someday. But your parent may be looking toward the next life and being out of pain. When reasoning of them instead of yourself you may be able to accept their impending death.

"She had been in the emergency rooms of local hospitals over 25 times in the year and a half that she was here," I reasoned. At 92 she was tired of fighting this hard battle with the arsenal of drugs and invasive procedures. She was ready to go home. But was I ready to let go? Well, whether I was ready or not, it was going to happen.

You may think of how you could have or should have done things good or differently. You may think about how you could have been kinder, gentler or a good problem solver. All these thoughts may go straight through your mind. If you've done the best you could do and were there for your parent, then you should have no regrets. Sure, it's still hard and you may be grieving but time does help. Also, to honor the memory of your parent you may consider donating to a charity, planting a tree in your yard, or spending time volunteering in your community. These activities help others but they do help you as well. Above all, know that you have walked a difficult journey and give yourself time to heal.

A very good website to visit for added facts on care-taking is http://www.agingcare.com

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